The Jen Files

Friends

2011-05-23T22:38:00.000-05:00

I'm beginning my plan to put all my time into building relationships with my friends. I remember being a kid and never feeling like I spent time with friends and that I always wanted to stay in. I had few friends in high school so it was normal to not go out for months at a time. While I am introverted, I need a boost like this every once in a while to bring me back to reality. I'm learning so much about myself, and I love it. I love my friends.

Lessons for Life

2011-04-08T16:07:00.000-05:00

1. Don't put up with someone else's bullshit. And don't fool yourself with your own.
2. Be happy, treat yourself well, and don't defend anything that makes you unhappy.
3. Good friends and family are often the best support system, and you should invest in those relationships.

Life's too short.

Secrets Revisited

2011-01-01T15:18:00.002-06:00

The realization that there is nobody with whom I feel I can share my secrets is very disheartening. I spent all morning on the verge of tears, hiding them away in this dark bedroom with the cat nestled into the space next to me. All I can think is that I should have done more last year to fix my problem. Or that I shouldn't have gotten into this in the first place. But that's a regret for which I just don't have room.

I feel guilty for putting these thoughts out into the world, especially somewhere online. Facebook isn't the place, nor Twitter. Someone will see and think this is a cry for help. There are many who wouldn't understand and would probably be hurt that I can't tell them everything. There are people who think they can handle anything, but the fact is that I'm the strong one. I'm the one carrying this around. Sensitive information like this would break them – or our relationship. People are fragile.

I'm not suicidal. It's nothing like that.

I'm thinking of seeing a therapist at school. Just someone who can sit and listen. The sad part is that I don't think there's anything a counselor on campus can legally do to help me. I don't want to seek one elsewhere because that would be through my insurance. I don't want to explain anything to my family about this. But is ten free sessions enough? If not, I'll have to find some other outlet, someone else to listen. And the worst part about the counseling center at school: my symptom isn't on the list of "services." When was the last time that happened to you? That the biggest source of stress in your life can't even legally be addressed by a school-associated therapist? When was the last time you had to seek a specialist for help?

Why do I always feel so alone on holidays, even when the one I love is in the very next room?

There's nobody.

The Best Thing

2010-07-12T22:05:00.000-05:00

About Dexter is that it reminds you that everyone has secrets.

And that usually, someone out there has it worse than you. :)

CFR?

2010-06-19T14:28:00.000-05:00

Columbus, OH needs a good music blog. All the ones that were any good got abandoned. Maybe something along the lines of Minneapolis Fucking Rocks --> Columbus Fucking Rocks? Not as cool, no (don't worry, Ian, I wouldn't steal it!).

Ideas? Suggestions? Yes/No? WOULD ANYBODY READ IT?!

Dreams (Passion Pit cover) - The Cranberries

2010-06-19T01:11:00.000-05:00

Incredible. Passion Pit just played the best show I've ever seen. It was high-energy the whole way through, the setlist was near perfect [can you please play Seaweed Song next time though? :( ], and I was in the 3rd row. The opening bands were pretty good at getting the energy up for the main act, but the wait was pretty horrible before PP got started. Brahms was only decent. The scrawny-but-veiny 30 year olds are getting old. Not age-wise, but just theme-wise. I need something more original. Tokyo Police Club, on the other hand, will be a new addition to my music library. I decided during the show that I have to do them justice and give their music a good listen rather than the once-over I did when I first heard them. Plus, the cute drummer was making eye contact with the crowd and smiling at us. Adorable.

All-in-all, it was the most engaging show I've been to. Michael Angelakos kept asking if people had birthdays and thanking people for throwing beer cans at them (what was up with that? we want them to come back!). He let us sing all the fun parts and didn't keep asking us, "How are you doing tonight, Austin?!" Michael was also adorable. You really can feel the passion he put into his lyrics and that they're based on his life. It's not acting. It's real-life heart-wrenching love. It was painful and beautiful to watch his expressions. I love that he's let us into his mind through his songs.

But it was one of those could-have-been-pretty-chill concerts where some jerks decide to take off their shirts and "dance" aka get sweat all over everyone within a 5-person radius. Other than the shirtless men, the crowd itself was weird. The demographic I expected just wasn't there. 2 big visible groups that surprised me: (1) high schoolers, and (2) drunk upper class 25+ year olds in platforms and club wear. That doesn't quite sound like the type of people who really listen to PP. Where were you, hipsters? Where was the flannel in 93 degree weather? Where were your fixies?

And where is my lover? These are love songs. Ohio is too far.

Again

2010-06-12T00:12:00.000-05:00

I have been considering returning to this blog for the summer. I like the idea of posting links to new music, reviews, or promoting shows in Austin. And maybe even in the Columbus, OH area, since I'm moving there and want to familiarize myself with the venues. I've already been impressed with some of the lineups heading out to Buckeye country this summer & fall. Poor Ryan will have to see Fiery Furnaces by himself up there next week, but I can't feel too bad for him when I'm in the same boat for Passion Pit at Stubb's for next Friday. Want to come along? Sorry if you don't already have tickets because they're sold out. Craigslist maybe?

Recent addictions:
-Plants vs. Zombies
-Greek yoghurt (strange and delicious)
-Getting paid
-Spontaneously applying to jobs at Ohio State (I NEED FUNDING! HELP!)
-Heroes (Netflix's technical difficulties today nearly made my head explode)
-Staying at Bennu's way too long
-Cat sitting (do I have to give them back? I'll be so alone... kitty-napping doesn't sound as accurate as kidnapping does. hmm.)

I also think it would be a good idea to blog for prospective students for prospective students for my Master's program. I think I'll propose that idea to the department and have a couple current students blog about daily life. I read one for another school before I went to interviews, and it really helped me get a feel for the cohort and the lifestyles of their students. Don't steal my ideas. This idea © Jen Skidmore's brain, Saturday 6/12/10, 12:12 AM Central Time Zone.

Passion Pit - Little Secrets

What We Want

2010-04-01T00:18:00.000-05:00

I had a conversation with someone today that was rather eye-opening. It went a little something like this.

Me: "When [complicated situation or event] happened, I felt [emotion]."
Her: "Did you ever think to tell [person involved in said situation] that you felt [said emotion]?"
Me: "Uh...what? No..."

Right then and there, I realized that what I've been mistaking for perfect relationships (until the very end) were really my habit of hiding my feelings because I care too much about other peoples' feelings.

I know I'm speaking too generally to make much sense, but seriously. I need to get this out of me. I need to start telling people what I want -- and what I feel! I have started to get better about it, but it's easy when it comes to the small things. The big things? They're another story. I keep it all in and wait for nuclear holocaust.

The cause? Lately, I bet it's the rejection I've been facing. I should probably take a lesson from Eve Ensler, and start to appreciate myself a little bit more. I should at least attempt to appreciate the small positive things! If I can handle talking about the small complications, I can definitely start to enjoy the small good things.

For now, I'm going to keep stress eating. Most recently, I truly enjoyed Häagen-Dazs coffee & almond crunch ice cream bar, bring it.

PS - anyone seen microwaveable popcorn on campus? yum.

Scratchy

2010-02-28T01:17:00.002-06:00

My throat is being entirely too scratchy for me to handle. Maybe it was all the stress I had last night from running into three exes and someone with whom I had an awkward date. Yep. That's right. Four of them. In one place. It was a nightmare of sorts. Except of course with the one I went to the concert with! We're cool. The others? No. At least not yet.

Last week, my first ex ever contacted me for the first time in about a year. I think things went wrong with the drunk dialing I complained about. That wasn't really cool. Or necessary. Or fun. I was surprised by the message in my inbox last week, and realized that we probably still knew each other pretty damn well. I got to thinking about these other exes last night, and I am considering calling them up and taking them to a café to sit and talk about where we went wrong and just laugh about it. Maybe they won't laugh, but I will.

I also feel like it's time for an apology. Although in one of the cases, I don't feel like I did much wrong and feel as if I was the one who was mistreated and wronged, I still feel like I did some damage. And I genuinely feel bad. When I realized this ex was at the show and getting tipsy two rows back, I immediately became emotional. I guess it's residual. Is that fair? Almost a year from the break-up? I don't think that's happened to me previously. I mean, I haven't been so emotional so long after the break-up before. It's possible that I feel guilty about something and that an apology will make me feel better, but I would prefer not to do it over the phone or via the internet; that wouldn't make up for much seeing as the break-up was over the phone.

Regardless, I think it's due time I start making up for the pain I caused. I'm happy in the relationship I'm in currently, and I don't want that to be any part of this. It's that I'm moving away from Austin within the year, and I don't want to leave with any regrets. This process will probably be painful. Uncomfortable, like the scarf grandma made me but it's so warm I wear it anyway. Scratchy.

Flavors

2010-02-26T13:45:00.001-06:00

Mandatory statement of unannounced hiatus and lack of warning or apology.

I have days where I am an internet conqueror. I run across some old favorites but also uncover some new goodies. I set a last.fm playlist to Phoenix and dance around in my pajamas and do nothing productive for work or class. This is an account of today's progress in discovery:

I love the customization of flavors.me, so I made my own after seeing a few I liked. I had a hard time finding a background to steal for it, but I eventually came up with something pretty cool.

See for yourself: http://flavors.me/thejenerator

I discovered Chatroulette. And I decided it's creepy and about as trashy as those MSN chatrooms. It's intriguing but I don't want to show my own face. I think that's the part that gives me the chills the most. I just want to watch, I don't want to participate. Maybe that's my research preference: to observe as an outsider, not to immerse myself in the phenomenon to study it.

I rediscovered JPG Magazine, where a friend of mine was published for the first time several years back. I love photography but haven't had the time to devote myself as much as I would like. Instead, I live vicariously through these artists.

Last.fm has been good to me over the years, but I haven't "scrobbled" in years. My profile still says I listen to Sleater-Kinney the most, and I believe I unchecked the majority of their songs on iTunes two or three years back.

Now, if anyone could share a great site for free backgrounds (full backgrounds, not for any specific website), I'd appreciate it.

PMA fo sho

2009-06-16T15:06:00.001-05:00

www.prettymuchamazing.com

That's right. Click it.

Spring Break

2009-03-18T10:19:00.003-05:00

With spring break upon us, I have lost most of my ~~creative~~ energy. Here's what spring break looks like from the inside of my microfridge:

+ 5 eggs

+ veggie dumplings (with "tangy dipping sauce")

+ 1/6 of a gallon of Bluebell Birthday Cake ice cream

+ 1/2 of a pint of Bluebell Strawberries & Homemade Vanilla ice cream

+ veggie chili

+ one stick of butter

And elsewhere in my room:

+ 1/4 box of red berry Special K

+ 11 Special K red berry snack bars

+ giant bag of peanut m&m's

I think I'll spend my meal stipend at Kerbey Lane, Which Wich, Pita Pit, and Einstein's this week instead...

All in all, the rest of my spring break should look like this:

+ sleep

+ reading

+ door tags

+ bulletin board

+ hem pants

+ starve

I'm growing rather lazy with this blog, and seeing as it's just for me, I guess I don't really feel the need to apologize too greatly.

In the Style

2009-03-09T20:48:00.003-05:00

I can feel my creative energies burning deep somewhere inside my chest. I'm caged.

I know I haven't updated in the longest. I'm aware this makes me an illegitimate blogger. Oops.

Oh well. I guess I'm on hiatus for still one more week at the least. Spring Break is a safe haven for the release of this energy. For now, I'll keep swing dancing on Monday nights at 9pm and wanting to rip everyone's heads off the other 167 hours of the week.

Spring Come Soon

2009-01-27T19:07:00.002-06:00

I am ready for warmer days for sure. While the grey days of winter haven't been awful to me, they are harder to get through without that special someone to hold close on these cold nights. They're also much harder to get through without caffeine.

I should find out about my employment for next year sometime this week. I'm still anxious and a little nervous.

Times are kind of hard, but kind of not. It's a solid steady balance, but I'm wavering between, "Yes, this is okay. I'm fine. I can deal," and, "I wish times were better."

The good days are really good. The bad days are equally bad.

I was searching for that silver lining, and I think I found it. I just wish it would stick around a while longer.

Life Being What It Is

2009-01-02T13:12:00.002-06:00

My Resolutions:

1. Become more accepting of others. I'm very open-minded, but I think that my internal judgmental habits affect my outlook. I am going to work on being less critical of others and more willing to support them.

2. Become more accepting of myself. Then none of the other resolutions I was pondering will matter. If I can learn to love myself more, then getting toned, trying to do perfectly in school, and trying to please everyone don't matter so much anymore. If I can accept myself more, I can spend more time on others in the long run.

It's about time.

It's the Ticking of the Clock When You Wake Up

2008-12-29T12:26:00.003-06:00

I was digging through my desk at home today, searching for something. In the process, I ran across letters from 5th grade when I moved away. The friends I was leaving behind gave me their addresses and little notes and such. It was fun to go through them and remember what people were like back then.

The thing is, I was kind of hoping to run across some sort of clue, some secret message or something that would give me a hint of insight into who I was as that little girl. I don't remember much of my childhood. It's mostly a blur. The things I do remember are the things that I know shaped who I am today. I read each letter several times, as if steeping them in the air of a more recent time would draw something clouded from the text. Like I could breathe in the meaning.

But nothing came. At all. They were just words of other 5th graders, in a time before we knew what love was, before we were all hooked on Facebook and Wikipedia, before we stopped saying "Daddy" and "Mommy," before we had our first break-ups and heart-breaks, before we knew words like "unequivocal" or "escrow," before we had our own credit cards (and our own debts), before we had even read books over 250 pages. Everything was just so simple.

"Stay cool and make lots of boyfriends (just kidding!)"

"Write me please. Tell me your address also."

"I am going to miss you very much! You are a very good friend! I hope you will write to me! My number and adress is...."

"Your such a good friend."

Everything was just so simple.

Ways to Combat Apathy, Depression, & Loneliness

2008-12-28T12:34:00.006-06:00

I'm no doctor, but you should know that apathy can be caused by a couple of disorders and different controllable factors. Here is a list (which is by no means extensive): Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease (rare & ultimately fatal), Chagas disease (caused by the parasite Trypanosoma cruzi), Vitamin B1 deficiency (up your thiamine intake), Vitamin D excess, schizophrenia, excessive use of some medications, and excessive drug use (especially heroin). Now, if you haven't been diagnosed or have a family history of any of these, and you haven't recently witnessed people being killed on the battlefield, your apathy can be cured by my list of non-medical ways to combat it.

Also, since apathy can be caused by sheer loneliness and depression, I'm including ways to combat these as well.

Read 14,000 Things to be Happy About by Kipfer.
Go to the grocery store, find a piece of produce you're sure you've never had before. Buy 10 of them. When you get home, look up a recipe for it & proceed to cook yourself an exotic meal (maybe not in this order, as you may end up going to the grocery store more than once).
Read any novel you've been meaning to read.
Watch a marathon of your favorite TV show.
Find a new favorite TV show.
Go for a run until you honestly can't breathe anymore.
Take the hottest shower of your life.
Volunteer at the nearest animal shelter.
Drinking the "Jesus is the Reason for the Season" hot chocolate your grandmother sent while not being a believer and laughing about it.
Find a purpose for your deceased great-grandmother's ash tray (it was the only thing left to you, right?).
Plant a tree.
Learn to enjoy being by yourself so that being alone ≠ lonely.
Learn how to say "No" when saying "Yes" would make you unhappy.
Stop believing in something you're just clinging to in order to be "happy," and learn what it means to love yourself without anyone else's approval. Including a higher power.
Find music that doesn't depress you but puts you right to sleep.
Deep-clean your carpets.
Learn how to say your favorite quote or mantra in another language and listen to how cool it sounds!
Watch a foreign film without the subtitles and try to figure out what the hell is going on.
Learn how to dance.
Watch a movie that makes you think long and hard about your life & your goals.
Be self-reliant.
Don't take life's experiences too seriously.
Learn to laugh at the big things, too.
Buy new super-comfortable underwear.
Learn how to breathe properly.
Bake cookies for your co-workers. From scratch.
Volunteer at the nearest home for the elderly. Get over the old people smell.
Go vegetarian. Learn what ahimsa truly means.
Stop with the hostile attribution & assume good intent.
Let someone go in front of you in line just to watch his or her smile.
Meditate.
Stop thinking you're so damn smart & let others teach you for once.

Meditate on this thought:

There simply is nothing to which we can attach ourselves, no matter how hard we try. In time, things will change, and the conditions that produced our desires will be gone. Why then cling to them now?

-Master Hsing Yun, Describing the Indescribable

True Love

2008-12-22T23:49:00.002-06:00

In my efforts to improve my confidence and self-image, today, I spent a little time and money on myself. The good definitely outweighed the bad today. I found my true love: a beautiful pair of dark cocoa suede classic pumps. Yes, they are out of the Jessica Simpson "JS" collection, but who cares? It was love at first wear. Having size 6 feet makes my taller (and therefore bigger-footed) friends jealous. I wore these beauties to our annual Secret Santa exchange just because I could. I am constantly searching for ways to dress up and wear my designer shoes, and this seemed like a pretty good excuse. One of my friends commented, "They look so much better in a size 6 than they would in a size 9 like I wear." So true. Plus, I grew about 3 inches instantly. Being 5'5" just feels good sometimes!

I know, I'm horribly materialistic and subscribed to pop culture and plastic fashion. Go ahead, lecture me. I don't care. I love dressing up. It makes me feel good. There was a time when I would have scolded myself for using material objects to make me feel better, but it's so much more than that. I needed that anti-pop culture phase in my life to realize that of course I don't need these things to make me feel better. Now, I can safely say to myself, "Of course I don't need these shoes, but I worked so hard this semester and hardly spent any money on myself, so it's time to treat myself to something I really love. And that's this pair of shoes!"

So tonight, there will be no listening to sad music and moping around about how lonely and sad I am. Instead, there will be reminiscing about the good times this year and only listening to the good stuff. Bring it on, Norah Jones.

I Know My Words Aren't Beautiful

2008-12-21T19:05:00.010-06:00

Dear Dad,

I know you're concerned I've been spending a lot of time alone. You always get concerned about this when I come home. The thing is, there really is nothing here for me. I'm so tired of putting up with people who don't really care about me. That's why I spend time alone when I'm home rather than going out. Oh, and why do I spend this time alone in my room instead of doing family things and "socializing" as you like to call it? That would be because I'm so tired of the nagging, the yelling, the fights. Please stop. We've grown up, we have our own agendas, and as long as we're not taking your money or hurting anyone, let us alone.

Love,

Jen

I've been apathetic about most everything lately, including my own life. It's reckless behavior, and I'm trying to get things under control. I need time to do so.

I've noticed my decreased confidence and self-image lately. Ultimately, I think most of it is because I'm not doing anything productive. Proximately, I know it is caused by my distaste for my own body. I've always had a problem with this, but it usually came and went pretty easily. For some reason, it won't dissipate no matter how I try to shake it. I hate how my hips and thighs have grown. Sometimes, I look in the mirror and think, "What nice hams these would make." Or something along those lines.

It reminds me of that old PETA ad with the woman ready to be butchered. I couldn't find the English version (was it ever in English? I thought it was.) but enjoy this [German??] version.

Yes, sometimes I really do feel like that. Should I? Of course not, and, yes, I know this. I know I shouldn't feel ashamed of my body at all. I'm short, I weigh considerably less than the majority of everyone I know, I have good blood pressure and cholesterol, and I'm in good health overall (besides the disorders over which I have no control).

I don't receive many affirmations to help support my self-image. I usually get, "Oh please, you're so skinny," and I think to myself, "Um, yeah, at my waist. Awesome. What about my massive bottom half? I'm disproportionate."

I don't think I'm very beautiful.

I know my words aren't beautiful.

I have a hard time believing anyone would want to be with me.

I'm trying to fix this, but it's hard to do alone. No, this is not a cry for help. No, I don't need to be with someone to feel beautiful. This is merely me admitting to myself in words that I've let myself go. I've let myself go too far. I need to get realigned. I need a chiropractor for my life.

I'm just trying to be happy again. It's been a very, very rough year. I'm ~~wishing for something magical~~ [planning to work hard on this] in 2009.

Another Year Gone By

2008-12-18T23:01:00.004-06:00

I turn 20 in 59 minutes. Actually, I turn 20 in 17 hours and 3 minutes. Am I excited? Why should I be? It's just another year gone by. Let's summarize for all of you watching at home.

THIS YEAR IN MEMORIES & ODD HAPPENINGS (since my 19th birthday)

Got a strange new roommate when I returned to school in January. Long story.
Interviewed for RA position.
Got hired for the RA position to Kinsolving South.
Voted (for the first time!) in the Texas primaries (Guess for whom!).
My sister went to rehab for the first time.
Tried plenty of strange new Asian foods while with friends in Houston.
Got my first B in college. Fuck foreign policy! Everyone just needs to learn how to share anyway.
Interned with a wonderful pathologist - and nearly fainted every time he grossed.
Was a 2nd Year JC at Texas Girls State this summer (yes, that's grammatically correct. don't bother challenging me. it's an organization.)
My sister went to rehab again in the summer.
Was a lifeguard. Boring.
Went through a shitty breakup.
Was an RA in Kinsolving South.
Had a date. It was...interesting. I made it awkward. Don't I always?
Organic Chemistry ate me.
I came back to life and ate Organic Chemistry.
Developed a huge crush.
Taught residents about life through meaningful programs (The Kite Runner).
Switched my major to Sociology.
Dad threatened to stop paying for college if I majored in Sociology.
Had my first panic attack.
Saw Obama (the first Black president) win the presidency!
Grew a tumor that scared the shit out of me.
My sister is now in rehab for the third time until sometime after Christmas (she's spent Thanksgiving, her birthday, Mom's birthday, and will spend my birthday, Christmas, and probably New Year's in rehab).
Had a date with my crush. It was...ugh. But she made it awkward, not me.
Found an excuse to wear my favorite pumps.
Got 2 more B's in college (well, three, but one was Pass/Fail, so it doesn't count).

Playlist for my birthday:

Navy Taxi - Kate Nash
Crowdsurf Off A Cliff - Emily Haines & The Soft Skeleton
Yellow - Chris Martin
Not Too Late - Norah Jones
Fingerprints - Minipop
Each Coming Night - Iron & Wine
Marching Bands of Manhattan - Death Cab For Cutie
Rangers - A Fine Frenzy
Living Room - Tegan & Sara
Cheated Hearts - Yeah Yeah Yeahs
He Is Gone - Leona Naess
[and my guilty pleasure song] All I Want for Christmas - Mariah Carey

Yes, most of it is depressing music. It's one of those birthdays. It hasn't been much of a good year. I tend to focus on the bad things that happen to me over the course of time rather than the good things.

Here are a couple of conclusions I've come to about myself:

I am lonely, and I "don't like it." But I enjoy it. It's one of those self-preservation things.
I can't watch just "some of" or parts of "Love Actually." I must watch the whole thing if I start it.
I changed that maternal & emotional side of me that appeared when I started treatments for my PCOS (upped my estrogen) into a crazy obsession with shoes. Heels, specifically. And I have nowhere to wear them. I just want them. All of them. Please, invite me out. I need somewhere very nice to wear my beautiful shoes.
I don't like dating as much as I thought I would, but I'm still trying to figure it out.
I like those connections you have with random strangers and people you pass in your daily life. This goes along with my strong affinity for people watching. These are the people who keep me company. I'm not so lonely with them around me.
Although I love caffeine & just coffee in general, I must stop for my health (it makes my tumor grow). The realization here is that I learned I'm pretty much addicted.
I need to date people who actually act my age (or act the age I act at least).
I was far too angry as a teenager, and I won't let that persist into my "adult" years. Starting tomorrow when I turn 20.
I'm still searching for love. This is the first birthday I've spent without somebody since freshman year of high school.
I still have room to grow.

Back from Hiatus

2008-12-16T01:37:00.003-06:00

(If only briefly.)

Finals are over. The semester ended. It didn't go how I imagined, but I've learned a lot. I've grown. And my crazy live has kind of grown lonely and sleepy. I've adjusted to the crazy. I'm learning how to be sane again. It's like detox. At least I'd imagine so.

The last few weeks of my life have been indescribable, but I'll do my best (without violating anyone's privacy, of course).

When we left off, I had been waiting for my ultrasound. The test results confirmed I have a fibroadenoma. Thanks to Medical Terminology this semester, I know that means "A tumor of the fibrous tissue and glands (generally of the breast)." Plan: n/a. It's a benign tumor that needs no removal. I should stay away from caffeine (ha) to prevent further growth. Chances are this is related to my Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS. I know, I know. I'm a walking Medical Journal.), and that the tumor growth was promoted by the hormonal contraceptive I take to fix my hormone imbalance that causes my PCOS. Welcome to my world.

Other exciting things? Oh, yes, my "date" apparently wasn't a "date." My "date" brought four friends along. It wasn't a "date." Here are some options as to why this happened:

She didn't know it was a date, which means I didn't make it clear enough that I thought this was a date. Somehow, "Do you want to grab dinner or coffee sometime?" didn't make it a date. Hm. Strange. Okay, so maybe that wasn't straightforward enough. Fine. So she didn't think it was a date.
She doesn't like me and wanted to set the record straight by turning it into a group event. Lovely. She could have just said something.
She was insecure or scared and needed support because either (a) she likes me, or (b) she didn't know how to let me know she doesn't like me.

My gut instinct was that she was just scared. I hope that's the case. And why am I talking about this here? Because I doubt she'll ever even read this. I doubt she even knows how much of a crush I've had on her for so long. But such is life. It wouldn't be called a crush if it didn't hurt at least a tiny bit, right? It's so cliche it hurts.

And our next topic of discussion? Making new friends. Thanks, Starbucks guy. You brighten my day each time we talk. It's been a long time since I've had a friend like you. I enjoy it, and I hope you do, too.

Random tidbits of my life on hiatus from my blog:

I wore a dress & my amazing black pumps to a dance, and I was the only one who wore a dress. It's a miracle. Credit to the friend who let me borrow her dress!
Four finals. And probably failing Organic Chemistry. That exam sucked out part of my soul. And I don't even believe in souls.
SNOW. In ATX? Yes, it's true. Photographic proof on Facebook.
Not quite knowing how to feel about my sister or how to treat her whole situation.
I've lost quite a bit of confidence over the last few weeks. I've decided to put my fears aside and start dancing again.
Staying up way too late to think clearly in the morning.
Falling in love with Emily Haines all over again. (Credit to the Starbucks guy)
Goals for winter break: (1) Gain up to 3rd semester proficiency in Spanish, and (2) get back into shape through swimming, running, yoga, and strength training.

I'm just glad to be alive and well. As well as I can be.

On Hiatus

2008-12-03T23:41:00.001-06:00

I am on hiatus until finals are over! Disappointing, I know. And why aren't you studying?

Won't Sleep

2008-11-25T00:29:00.001-06:00

It's not even that I can't sleep. It's that I don't even want to try right now. It's that this is stuck in my mind. All I could think about tonight, walking in the cold with the wind kissing my pink cheeks, is this. All of this:

I was always waiting. Waiting for you to do something. Waiting for you to pay attention to me, who was there, waiting for you. Waiting for you to grow up. Waiting for the truth, apparently, and when you tried to tell me, I was waiting for you to stop telling me the truth because it hurt too much. I was waiting for you to stop talking, stop with your regurgitation of these words that stung in the corners of my eyes. I was waiting for you to say it wasn't true. I didn't know the truth. You could have kept it all a secret. But that would be childish, and I would be back at waiting for you to grow up. I still am. I was waiting for you to apologize, but that did not happen, either.

I'm not mad at you, but when I think about it, it makes me sick. I spent so much time waiting. You always say, "I'm so nice to you." You always say things like that. Those words tie a knot in my gut. Those words used to tie me down. I thought you would come around and untangle me because, in my mind, you were so perfect. You would come to the rescue. You would finally open your eyes and I wouldn't have to wait anymore. It was everything I wanted and more, except that it was you. There was just something about you. Maybe it was all the waiting you made me do. I was so nice to you.

I was waiting for her, too. I kept waiting for something to happen, waiting for her to grow tired of me and give up. Waiting for her to say I was too young to understand anything and that I wasn't worth her time. Even talking to her now, it's as if those times never existed.

I'm still waiting. But now I'm waiting for something else to happen. I'm waiting to start something new, something fresh. I'm waiting to stop being served the stale mess you and her keep trying to feed me.

I feel so spent. I feel spread thin.

I swear I'll make a clean getaway next time so that these things don't keep me tied down. I hate the "we can still be friends" thing because it's never the same. I don't know what either of you were hoping for, but when you call me, wondering why I feel upset or why we can't just be the same but different, I hope that you're not hoping for the same old thing. I'm done waiting. I won't do it anymore.

The Kindness of Strangers

2008-11-21T00:49:00.001-06:00

Sometimes a stranger's kindness is the best medicine. The Starbucks cashier paid for my drink tonight. I wasn't sure if he was hitting on me, if he was really sincere about, "It's cool that you're vegetarian. I got this," or if he sensed I had a bad day and tried to cheer me up. Whatever his motives, I appreciated it.

I had a dream last night that I feel set the theme for today, and it made me question something. Something. It makes me curious, but nothing more than that.

I think what you said that one time when we did lunch is kind of true. How could anyone know? But I'd like to think it would be much nicer for me than it was for you.

I know, this post makes no sense from the outside, but I don't tell my secrets. We all know that.

Giving Up

2008-11-19T17:45:00.000-06:00

They're always saying, "There's hope for the hopeless," but I'm still not quite sure what that means. I've given up hope on a couple of things in my life, and it's just easier to stop trying and to stop wishing and hoping. It's easier this way. If I keep pushing against this brick wall, and nobody else is pushing with me, then there really is no hope, especially now that I'm spread way too thin these days.

I was hoping you'd make some sort of effort, but if that's not the case, it's not the case. That's fine with me because it explains quite a bit about you.

I'm in the future, and everyone else is in the past. I feel like I'm ahead but like I'm still losing the race. I keep looking over my shoulder, expecting something. Anything. But there's nothing, and you're so far gone. I wish someone would come up here and join me.

Oh, right. I stopped wishing. I gave up.

Dreaming, Always Dreaming

2008-11-17T11:16:00.000-06:00

I've been having the strangest dreams lately, but they don't seem so strange compared to the crazy reality I've been facing every day.

The Ultrasound: Yes, I had a dream about the ultrasound. I just remember a lot of pressure, a lot a lot of pressure on my chest. The technician seemed to ignore the fact that I was a person. He kept watching the screen and talking to the nurses. They looked and looked all over. The pressure was getting worse. I finally couldn't stand it anymore and asked, "What is it?" He said, like a machine printing out black-and-white results: INCONCLUSIVE. It was stamped on my file, and I was sent on my way.
The Soup: Someone was holding a bowl of soup. A mosquito landed in it. I poured more soup into the bowl, trying to drown it. I could see it trying to escape. I kept trying to drown it, to kill the parasite. It eventually escaped and flew away like nothing happened at all. [No, I don't know the symbolic meaning behind this dream. Please, share your insight.]

There are so many others, but they disappear when I try to conjure them up. It's like trying to capture smoke in your hands. It's impossible.

Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. I'm so sick of waiting.

Eleven days until my appointment.
Twelve days until my four year coming out anniversary.
Twenty-three days until my finals begin.
Twenty-six days until my finals end.
Thirty days until I can leave for winter break.
Thirty-two days until my twentieth birthday.
Thirty-eight days until my twentieth Christmas.

I'm so tired of waiting. For everything.

The Lump

2008-11-09T16:28:00.000-06:00

Friday evening, I was changing into my PJs. My favorite pair of scrub pants and a really worn-in t-shirt. I was also on the phone. While I put the phone down to put on my shirt, my hand encountered something I hadn't felt before. I froze, then finished putting on the shirt, and picked up the phone.

"Oh my god," I said.

She kept talking.

"Ohhh my god," I said again.

"What? What's wrong?" she asked.

"I don't know, I think...I think I have a lump," I said.

Of course I didn't think I had a lump. I knew I had a lump. I felt it. Rock hard, 2 cm x 2.5 cm, in the left breast, towards my sternum, oval-shaped, non-mobile. The perfect description of a Fibroadenoma. It hurt when I pushed on it with my fingers.

I thought back to a moment in my past. I was about 10. A week-long summer camp. I'm in the cabin with my friends, getting ready for bed. One girl sees me getting into my bunk bed with a sports bra on under my t-shirt. She says, "Oh my god, you can't wear that."

"Why?"

"My dad's a doctor. He says wearing a bra to bed causes breast cancer," she said.

I ignored her. She was wrong, and I knew it.

I still know she was wrong, I'm not questioning that. I merely thought back to that moment because that was the first time I realized that breast cancer was something so widespread that everyone knew something about it (whether that something was true or false).

I don't think it's anything to worry about, but I made an appointment for tomorrow with Women's Health anyway. Great. The appointment will be full of poking and prodding and "Does this hurt? How 'bout now?" and me getting emotional at the doctor's office like I do every single time I go - doesn't matter if it's just a cold. I'm not really scared. Really. Kind of. Am I?

The Bouquet

2008-11-03T20:54:00.001-06:00

When the flowers start to wither and the stems begin to turn black, do you pluck out the first to die? Do you keep the pretty ones? Do you keep the hearty ones? Do you try to save the whole bunch, trim the stems, wipe off the slime, and refill the water?

Do you just throw out the whole bouquet?

Does one wilting flower ruin the whole bouquet?

Do I dissect your apology bouquet? Or do I just give up on it altogether?

In the end, I picked out the survivors. Because they were also the prettiest. Except for the lilies that fell apart in my hands. Now the vase is too big for those still hanging on. They are all drowning.

The Guilt Sets In

2008-10-31T21:30:00.000-05:00

If there is one thing that makes me feel guilty, it's breaking my vegetarianism - even if it's my friend's hospitable mother putting food on my plate, saying, "Try some, try some!"

Today, I ate:

One shrimp, in a shrimp dumpling
One bite-sized piece of fish, in a spicy asian fish dish
Two pieces of fried squid (According to Crystal, "It's not really an animal, anyway.")

Example of a speciesist ad promoting the enslavement of non-human animals and our view of them as resources to satisfy our interests.

Credit to This Artist.

It's not my political agenda. It's just about economics. I don't want to throw statistics out there that could be incorrect; instead, think about how much energy (literally, energy) is put into raising cattle, pigs, chickens, fish on fish farms and fishing itself. Now, think about how many jobs are out there that would help those in poverty if we let them pick fruit and vegetables in the fields. Think about how much less grain would go to feeding these animals and how much more of it would go straight to our energy stores - and all over the world. Think about how cows are the number one producer of methane, a greenhouse gas. If we all stopped eating meat, think about how many less animals we'd have to force to copulate and produce fertile offspring. Think about how much healthier we would all be - since eating meat increases the risk for cancer of the GI tract.

I could go on and on. Instead, just trust me. I am was a biology major.

Skipped Right to Round Three & You're Out

2008-10-30T23:38:00.000-05:00

This change of majors feels like the right choice.

Human Biology, concentration in Social Aspects of Health and Disease --> Sociology, minor in Biology

I feel happy. I feel confident. Kind of. I'm kind of scared.

Okay, so I'm scared. About what?

1. About salaries. Dad's pressuring me to find a career path that will pay well. The stats say I will be just fine. I'm happy with those salary wages. I don't need to be a millionaire. Yes, I could be a doctor. Do I want to be? Shadowing has shown me the answer: No. Find me a job that will pay well that I will enjoy, and I'll do it. Here's what I value, enjoy, and desire:

Working with people (read as "Children, Youth, and Family," and Students)
Helping Society
Improving the lives of others
Independence
Empathy
Normal hours (enough to have a family one day)
Job Stability
Organizing
Planning
Policy Analysis
Administrative tasks
Health
The effects of health on behavior and socioeconomic status
Disparity in health & socioeconomic status
The Arts
Cultures
Writing (I like it better that most other tasks like computations)

2. About job stability. See above.

3. About stress in a job and how that will affect my personal health (maybe I need to get back to exercising anyway).

4. About providing for a family.

5. About having time for my hobbies:

Music - I want to go to shows still
Travel - vacations would be nice
Family - not so much a hobby as a priority and a desire; I want to be able to provide a good education for my children because they deserve better than what I had (which is still hard to beat, I'm sure)
The Arts - will I have money to buy tickets to the ballet or the orchestra concert or to the latest exhibit at the art museum?
The Little Things: crafts, writing freelance, blogging, reading, exercise, yoga
Cooking & Baking - extremely important; can I afford quality ingredients for my finest dishes in the future? I know I sure as hell can't these days.

Since I always have such a negative view of life, I guess this is me being normal. Being more positive. Having a dream. Not being Pre-Med. Not force-feeding myself information I just can't wait to forget. Wanting something. Imagine that: I want something. I want these things. I've prioritized. This is so unlike me.

Me Now v. Me as Pre-Med Student

Now: considerably less stressed although still somewhat stressed, enjoying classes and learning from genuine interest, not caring about the grades of classmates, much more relaxed, feeling happy about going to certain courses (Sociology of Health and Illness), trying to explore career options throughout the next six months so I can decide by next fall what I'm doing with my degree (this is where the stress is coming from!).

Pre-Med Student: extraordinarily stressed all the time about whether I want to go into Medicine or not, falling asleep in classes I can't stand to sit through anymore, extremely competitive student, worrying about grades of other students and how that places me in the rankings, doing very well academically, feeling pressure all the time to get all A's.

So it's time to be me. It's time to have a dream. It's time to put everything in line and decide my future. And now it's time for my obsessions.

My latest obsessions:

A Fine Frenzy
Lower Sugar Instant Oatmeal with Soymilk
Carbs, carbs, carbs (and not the healthy kind)
Craiglist's Missed Connections
Burt's Bee's Chapstick
Water. That's right. H2O.
Your rambling over the phone (I know you've been drinking).
Our text messages.
The flowers you sent and still being mad at you.
Watching the sky, watching the painting coming to life, shifting and shaping, staying inside, it all goes by. Stopping the time, the rush and the waiting, leave it behind, shifting and shaping, keep it inside, it all goes all goes by.

Come on, come out.

Round One

2008-09-17T11:41:00.001-05:00

Just a short update.
Am I ready for Midterms? Not at all. I'm behind in my studying. As if it weren't enough knowing that I'm not ready for them, everyone keeps asking me if I'm ready for them. Anyway, here's the general overview so far in the semester:

Sociology of Health and Illness - a great class, I never fall asleep, very interesting, but a lot of reading. I think the essay exams will be hard to do well on.

Human Biology - a lot of reading. The first day, I thought it was going to be super interesting, but that has definitely disappeared. The exams are going to be hard, and the pop quizzes aren't fun at all.

Medical Terminology - a joke. Going to class is pointless.

Chem Lab - I don't like lab reports at all. At least we only have 10 experiments.

Organic Chemistry - the material so far is elementary. I just can't afford to screw up on any exam questions. The homework is time-consuming but never really hard.

Since everyone keeps asking me about it, I'll answer this here, too: So how is being an RA? Do you like it?
Yes, I do! I really enjoy this job. Like I have been saying, it is a lot of work. A lot. But I like the organization and having girls look to me to help them out. This job is affirming my belief that I will always want to work with people, never in a cubicle. I want to help people. That's my goal. Work for the good of mankind.

My latest obsessions:

Ben and Jerry's Fair Trade Certified Coffee Ice Cream
Free printing in the Chemistry Computer Lab
My favorite purple pen
Wearing green
Listening to Iron & Wine to help me fall asleep
Wanting another haircut (as usual. it's an addiction.)
Revisiting my iTunes library (the old school stuff)
Updating my Facebook status with catchy lyrics

And now? Class time.

43 Things

2008-07-28T08:44:00.000-05:00

This is my new obsession: 43 Things. Trying to line up my life, trying to figure out what I want, trying to put everything into perspective, and trying to move on after a breakup.

Welcome to my blog. I am still getting organized a bit, but I'm excited to start writing more. I guess that should be one of my 43 Things. Writing helps me get organized and to learn more about myself.

I am also starting a photography project, which I might start posting on this blog as well as my Flickr page (which you can go to by clicking on that link on the left). Who knows. I might get lazy with it.

Some things you might want to know about me:

+ I don't like writing with exclamation points. It doesn't mean I'm not happy.

+ I like organizing. A lot. This is why I have no roommate.

+ I have a little brother and a little sister. They're not so little anymore. But I guess neither am I.

+ I have two dogs and two cats. One of the cats is mine, but she has to stay back home since I'm in the dorms. I miss her loads. If I ever get an apartment, she's coming with me. I don't think she'll be too amused about the three-hour car ride, though.

+ More about me located at Facebook.